Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The summer of my discontent

I finally pinpointed the reason for my feelings of melancholy lately. I just haven't been my total self since we've moved, I still feel overwhelmed from moving and not being 100% settled yet, I jumped into a job before I was ready to start working again and there is something else constantly looming over my head that I can't get to go away. I feel like Tantalus from the Greek myths, where what I want is right at my fingertips but when I go to reach for it I can't have it.

Anyways, I realized that for the first time I have nothing to look forward to and I don't know what to do with myself. For the last, hhmmm, probably 10 year or so, there's been the prospect of change and something new happening in life, and now that's over. First there was graduating from high school and going to college, then Ryan and I getting married, then finishing college and starting my career, Ryan finishing college and getting a job, us moving and now that the move has happened and we're here there's nothing else happening that I can look forward to. How depressing. Yes, things will happen, but not anytime soon that I know of. Ryan will change projects next summer, but since we don't know where they'll send him it's not anything to look forward to, especially if we have to move again. Ugh. Then there's the prospect of Guam but it could be 2 years before that happens, and at least a year to a year and a half until we actually find out about it. So it's completely ridiculous to look forward to that when I don't know anything about it. And who knows when, if ever, we'll have kids and I can't look forward to that because I'll just be constantly disappointed, plus that would be ridiculous to look forward to something that isn't happening in the first place.

Something better come up soon, or else I'm going to go crazy, sell all of our possessions and plan a trip around the world for a year just so I have something to look forward to and be excited about for the future. I shouldn't have just given myself that idea . . .


Debbie said...

I don't know if you remember me, but we were in youth together... my maiden name is Seipert. Anyway, I've been reading your blog through Stefanie's for a little while, and when I read your post today, I just felt compelled to respond. I hope you don't mind.

I completely understand the frustration, as I just experienced that lack of progression and little to look forward to for a whole year in San Diego. I will not lie... it was hard! My husband and I were alone, unable to progress in graduate work, our careers, our family, and we really felt that we had little to look forward to. To deal with this, we found ways to progress together in our marriage: spending time together, going to Disneyland, spending time in the temple, praying, talking, dating, etc. Also, never in one year had I prayed so fervently, so often. We turned to the Lord to truly lift us up and give us the strength of optimism and spirit to get through the week, day, and even sometimes just the hour. Jason also gave me many priesthood blessings to comfort and guide me through that time. When I look back, we really did become stronger in our marriage and our testimonies.
Now, we have the opportunity to live back in Fremont, near both our families, Jason is getting his master's degree, I am teaching at American, we are saving for a house, and are hoping to start a family soon. Yet, all of these goals did not exist 3 months ago. Three months ago I had been living in depression for almost a year, and I felt hopeless. Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways and has more planned for us than we have for ourselves. Remain hopeful. I wish you the best and will be praying for you.

Mrs. Black said...

Hey, so this debbie lady knows what she is talking about. So something to look forward to... Want to go to Vegas in February or march? We could spring for the room with our worldmark membership. what do you think???

Ryan and Adrienne Johnson said...

I love that idea!